We all want to raise resilient, confident and socially intelligent kids. As a psychologist who specializes in adolescent development, I've found that the key is for parents to provide reassurance starting at a young age.
Kids, especially teens and tweens, sometimes need validation that what they are thinking and feeling is normal and okay. In fact, psychologists believe that validation is>1. They normalize experiences
Friendships help children develop important life skills like getting along with other people and solving conflicts. But no friendship is perfect.
Remind your child that all friendships go through ups and downs. In lasting relationships, close friends inevitably disappoint, irritate or mess up occasionally.
If your kid is receptive, tell them about similar social heartaches that their sister, cousin, or you endured at their age. These stories are irrefutable evidence that they are not alone and should not feel ashamed.
2. They provide physical comfort
Unless your kid recoils at touch, physical comfort may be more immediate and impactful than any verbal assurance.
Several studies have found benefits of interpersonal touch. For example, being hugged can lower blood pressure and instill a feeling of care and safety.
Let's say your kid is feeling upset about something. Before saying a single word, you might want to rub their back, give them a hug or hold their hand. A fifth grader>3. They teach that quality tops quantity
Tweens often gauge self-worth by how many friends they have. They don't recognize yet that the quality of relationships matters more.>4. They focus>5. They provide hope
Tell your kid that although they are going through a rough time now, it will not last forever. Things will get better. This is not a platitude. Social situations will change because kids will change.
They just need to be patient while they and their peers mature. If they try to make changes in their friendships, for example, remind them that turning things around takes time. But for now, what they can control is how they act in socially challenging situations.
Studies of high school students demonstrate the value of social hope. In one study, freshmen students were asked to read a short brain science article about how personality can change. Then they read anecdotes seniors had written about eventually learning to shrug off and move on from peer conflicts.
Finally, the group was asked to write encouraging advice to younger students.
After stressful talks, the intervention group had 10% lower levels of cortisol than the control group, indicating that students who read inspiring information coped better. At the end of the school year, these freshmen were 40% less likely to be depressed and earned better grades than control students.
