A child's brain is not a miniature adult brain. It is a brain born under construction that wires itself to the world. And it's up to parents to create a world — both physical and social — that is rich with wiring instructions.
Based>1. Be a gardener, not a carpenter.
Carpenters carve wood into the shape they want. Gardeners help things to grow>2. Talk and read to your child. A lot.
Research shows that, even when children are just a few months old and don’t understand the meanings of words, their brains still make use of them.
This builds a neural foundation for later learning. So the more words they hear, the greater the effect. They'll also have better vocabulary and reading comprehension.
Teaching them "emotion words" (i.e., sad, happy, frustrated) is especially beneficial. The more they know, the more flexibly they can act.
Put this advice into action by elaborating>3. Explain things.
It can be exhausting when your child is constantly asking, "Why?" But when you explain something to them, you’ve taken something new and novel from the world and made it predictable. Brains work more efficiently when they predict well.
Avoid answering “why” questions with, “Because I said so.” Children who understand the reasons to behave a particular way can more effectively regulate their actions.
If all they know is, “I shouldn’t eat all the cookies because an authority figure told me so, and I’ll get in trouble,” that reasoning may not help when parents aren’t present.
It’s better if they understand, “I shouldn’t eat all the cookies because I’ll get a stomachache, and my brother and sister will be disappointed at missing dessert.” This reasoning helps them understand the consequences of their actions and fosters empathy.
4. Describe the activity, not the person.
When your son smacks your daughter in the head, don’t call him “a bad boy.” Be specific: “Stop hitting your sister. It hurts her and makes her feel annoyed. Tell her you are sorry.”
The same rule holds for praise: Don’t call your daughter “a good girl.” Instead, comment on her actions: “You made a good choice not slugging your brother back.” This kind of wording will help her brain build more useful concepts about her actions and herself.
Another suggestion is to describe the actions of storybook characters. When someone fails to tell the truth, don't say, "Sam is a liar," which is about the person. Say, "Sam told a lie,” which is about the activity. Then follow up with, “Why do you think Sam did that? How will other people feel if they find out? Should they forgive Sam?"
By engaging with curiosity, rather than certainty, you're modeling the flexibility they'll need in real-life situations. You’re also signaling that Sam is not inherently dishonest, but lying in a particular situation. Perhaps he’d behave more honestly in other circumstances.
